


Moving on from the past

by TeaHouseMoon



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Kinda, M/M, Philkas - Freeform, Philkas in love, Protective Gabe, protective Helen, teenagers being teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-14 10:57:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11781732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaHouseMoon/pseuds/TeaHouseMoon
Summary: Philip settles into life with his adoptive parents, and that includes a protective Helen, and a boyfriend who still hasn't gotten over his guilt over what happened at the cabin.





	1. Chapter 1

Philip closes the door to his bedroom, and flops down on the bed, hugging his arms around the pillow.  
For the first time in a very long while - maybe ever? - he actually feels like a teenager; arguing with his parents, being sent to his room.

Well. He didn't get sent to his room. He huffed and left on his own, really. But it still feels like it.

He breathes and reminds himself that he loves Helen. Reminds himself that Helen loves him, just as much as any mother would, and if she's protective and sometimes strict it's because of the love she has for him. He knows that.

But it has never happened to him to have a parent refuse to allow him to do something. His mother, his real mother, never stopped him. Anne never scolded him for wanting to go out, or for being late for curfew.

Okay, to be completely fair - he didn't do much back when he still lived in Queens. He didn't have many friends to meet up and be late with. And he sure as hell was never invited to go away overnight at a friend's house in Martha's Vineyard. So Anne never even had a chance to be worried, and question, and tell him 'we'll see', like Helen is doing now.

But still.

It's exactly because he never had a chance to go away, spend the night at a friend's house, with his boyfriend, that he really wants to go, now.  
His jaw sets as he thinks about it. He really wants to go. And it's Rose's house, her father's house on the beach, and it's only Rose and her boyfriend, him and Lukas, and perhaps a handful of her friends - not a whole lot of people.

Helen said she'll think about it. Because she doesn't know Rose and doesn't know her father. And Martha's Vineyard is five hours away, in another state, and Philip is only seventeen.

Philip sighs to himself as he remembers this remark. He's not a child. He can be trusted to be home on his own, and help out on the farm, and have a boyfriend and be sexually active but no - he can't be trusted to be away for two days?

It's stupid.

He sighs again, and takes a moment to think.

It's also stupid that he's here, sulking like a very stereotypical teenager. But he can't help it, and he's frustrated.

 

  
As Philip expected, Lukas isn't happy about the news.

"This sucks," he comments, when Philip explains over the phone.

"Yeah, it does."

Philip can only agree. He thinks of trying to justify Helen - he knows why she's doing this; but he feels Lukas would just get more irritated.

"You can...you should go. Anyway."

It sounds weird to say it, and his chest tightens a little, but he feels he has to. Lukas shouldn't miss out just because he can't go.

"Oh really? On my own? Like a loser." Lukas protests, and Philip bites his lower lip.

"Not like a loser, but it's your friends, and-"

"Philip, stop. I'm not going without you. Plus it's all couples, all with their own room, like...no. I'm not going."

Philip knows what Lukas is saying. He bites his lip again, and feels his cheeks heat up.  
He really wants to go.

"Maybe Gabe will convince Helen," he offers, voice low. He wishes Lukas was with him right now, cuddled up in his bed.

"Yeah, maybe."

 

  
They have sex that afternoon, while Helen is at the station and Gabe away in Poughkeepsie stocking up his medical supplies. It happens almost every week on Fridays, because it's really the only moment when they're sure they will be completely alone.  
Philip cries out softly against Lukas's mouth as Lukas thrusts inside him and murmurs back, things like 'baby' and 'beautiful'.  
Philip likes to look at Lukas's face while they do it, look into his eyes during sex, feel their connection even more strongly; but today, Lukas is a little withdrawn, as if in his own world. He kisses Philip, just as passionately as always, but his eyes are unfocused and Philip feels like he's trying to avoid looking at him.

"What's wrong?" Philip asks, after.  
Lukas stands, puts his underwear back on. Philip is a little hurt - they never usually separate that quickly.

"Nothing," Luka just says. Philip scoots up on the bed, so he's sitting back against the pillows, and pulls the sheet over to cover his waist.

"It doesn't seem like it's nothing."

Lukas looks at him, eyes almost sheepish, and Philip frowns a little, hugs his arms around himself.

"It's nothing," Lukas repeats, and fastens up his jeans. Philip feels like pouting and he does, frowning still. He murmurs a quiet 'okay'- which makes Lukas sigh.

"It's just that I feel like Helen is never gonna forgive me."

Lukas's words come blurted out, in a way that Philip certainly wasn't expecting. He blinks, frowns again.

"What?"

"She," Lukas starts again after a moment, and it's like he's hesitating. "She will never forget what happened, will she? She will never be okay with me."

The words hang in the air for a moment. Lukas just stares back at Philip, half naked apart from his trousers, his chest moving with breaths that are a little accelerated. Philip doesn't like any of this.

"Lukas, that's not true."

"Oh really?" Lukas's jaw is set. "Then why is she being all weird, if it's not because of me? Because she doesn't trust me!"

Philip is really confused now. He'd never thought about any of this; it can't be. Helen is fine with them. Helen is fine with Lukas.

"It's not - that's not how it is. It's not because of that, she doesn't have a problem with you!"

Lukas smiles bitterly. "So who does she have a problem with? If it's not me? Because it's me you're going away with. She let you go on the school overnight last month!"

"Lukas, that's different!"

"Yes it is, it's because it wasn't with me. That's why."

Lukas is still staring at him, blue eyes pointed now, and so intense Philip feels like they're slicing into him. Philip's heart is beating fast; he doesn't like what's happening, he doesn't like fighting with Lukas - but he also doesn't like what Lukas is saying. He speaks, out of impulse, and regrets it immediately.

"Your dad doesn't like me, what should I say to that?"

Lukas is quiet for a moment. His jaw is set.  
Philip wishes he could take everything back, go back in time and stop the whole fight from happening.

"Look," Lukas says. "Helen is right. I messed up, I put you in danger, why should I be trusted. It's the truth. We should probably, just stop pretending it's not true."

"Lukas, listen-" Philip doesn't want him to say whatever he's going to say. He just wants to stop this. Now.

"It's fine. I just, I have to go now. I'll, uh. Text you later."

He throws his shirt on quickly. When he looks up again, his eyes are sad.  
Philip wants to say so many things, but nothing comes out of his mouth, he can't figure out anything to say that would make Lukas forget what happened, come back to bed, hug him.  
So instead, he watches him leave.


	2. Chapter 2

Philip stays in his room for what feels like hours. He doesn't even feel like watching TV, or doing anything - he just revisits the fight he's had with Lukas, over and over again, kicking himself for letting it pan out that way. He wonders what Lukas is doing and if he's angry. He knows he was angry.

Philip knows he shouldn't be overanalysing right now. He knows it's the worst thing he could do, but he can't help it. He keeps looking at his phone, looking for a notification of a text, or a call, anything from Lukas, but there's nothing. And he's too nervous to text first.  
He feels like crying.

Eventually he hears the front door slam closed, and he knows Gabe is back. He knows he has to put his clothes on and look okay because Gabe will certainly come and check on him, ask him what he wants for dinner, and Philip doesn't want Gabe to know he's upset.

Even though Gabe would be a really good person to talk to right now, and ask for advice.

Philip grits his teeth. No. He has to fix this mess on his own.

By the time he has mustered enough courage to go downstairs, Gabe is in the kitchen putting away groceries and he looks at Philip, and smiles.

"Hey Philip. Done with homework?"

Philip nods - right, he can say he was doing his homework - and forces a small smile on his face.

"Got us some Thai for dinner, what do you think? Helen will be a little while longer."

Philip just nods, says thanks, and busies himself with gathering forks and napkins for the three of them. He isn't feeling very hungry, but Thai was his mother's favourite takeout, and every time he has it he feels like she's still there with him.

 

  
Around 8pm his phone finally lights up with a text from Lukas.

  
_Hey. Going out with Ed & some others 2nite. Nt sure where._

  
It's not what Philip was hoping for, but at least it's a text. He bites his lower lip, and frowns. Lukas is going out. Without him. After they've had a fight.  
He swallows his worry, and presses reply - but then he realises he doesn't know what to say. 'Have fun' sounds uninterested. 'Thanks for letting me know', passive aggressive. The last thing Philip wants is to get into another fight.  
But he really wants Lukas to keep texting.

  
_Ok. Taking the bike?_

 

_No, Karl is driving._

 

Philip has never met Karl in person, but he knows he's one of the guys Lukas hung out with before. When he was still with Rose, before they started seeing each other. Anxiety tries to rear its ugly head, and makes Philip feel like they've gone backwards, and what if Lukas rethinks his choices?  
Philip refuses to listen.

  
"Is everything okay?"

As Philip predicted, Gabe picks up on his mood straightaway. Philip kicks himself mentally, and tries to steel his expression so that he doesn't give up more information than he means to.

"Uh, yes. Everything's cool."

Gabe nods.  
"Lukas not around tonight?"

Philip looks down at his food, stirs pineapple rice around with his fork. He's really not hungry now.

"No, he had to - he was busy with his dad."

He instantly knows that's the worst reason he could have picked, one that's so easy to see right through, as he's sure Gabe is doing right now. And Gabe doesn't look convinced, but he nods anyway, a gentle smile still on his face.

"You got plans for tonight then? We haven't played Texas Hold'em in a while."

Philip smiles a little, but doesn't look up, still worried about being found out.

"Sorry, but I'm really tired. I think I'm just gonna, go up to my room. Read a little."

He finally looks at Gabe, gives him a smile he hopes it's reassuring; then he gets up, gathers his food and cutlery and goes to leave it in the kitchen.

When he's finally in his room he puts his phone on charge, and sees that he's got two texts. They're from Lukas, and Philip opens them anxiously.

  
_Im just going out with some friends, don't get worried. Prob be late & I don't want u to stay up & wait ok? Go to sleep_

_I jst need to clear my head for 1 night it's been kinda crazy u know. so I just want 1 night. I'm in love with you but i just need this._

 

Philip has the feeling that Lukas has already had a few drinks, perhaps they've started before Lukas even texted him. His hands tremble a little - as much as Lukas is protesting, Philip feels like he's being dumped.

He stares at the texts. He sets his jaw, bites his lower lip.  
He wishes he could do what Lukas is saying: just go to bed, fall asleep and wake up the next morning like nothing happened - how easy. Right now though, his body is full of adrenaline, and he couldn't be more awake.  
He runs a hand through his hair, and thinks that it shouldn't be this way - he should call Lukas, make sure he's okay and not too drunk, talk to him, and whatever, sort out this situation already.  
But he can't. He doesn't want to be the over attached guy who can't let his boyfriend have a night with his friends without freaking out.

'I love you', he types out on his phone.  
He stares at the words; thumb hovering over the send button. He stares and stares, and the words are true, but he stops himself and quickly deletes it, and turns off his phone, throwing it down to the foot of the bed.  
Yes, he should do what Lukas is saying. Go to sleep, and forget about this.

 

  
In his dream, Lukas comes to visit him. He can't come in through the front door - someone's locked it from the inside, and Philip doesn't know where the key is. So Lukas has to sneak in, through the window so that no one can see - and when he does Philip throws his comforter off, waits for Lukas to lay on top of him, opens his legs for him. Lukas is heavy and warm and smells like smoke, weirdly, and hides his face into Philip's neck, whispering against his skin.

 

The day after there's still no texts from Lukas. It's Saturday though, so Philip forces himself to accept that Lukas is probably sleeping in.

He can't help himself though when Rose texts him asking for updates on whether he can attend her getaway in Martha's Vineyard.

"I feel like I'm being dumped," he tells her over the phone, biting his lip.

"You're not being dumped," Rose replies, and she seems so sure. "It's okay for your boyfriend to go out on his own sometimes, Eddie does it too. Like last night he was out with them wasn't he."

"But you were out with your friends last night," Philip interjects, with the surety of who's considered all the scenarios. "And he's texted you today already."

"Only because I texted him first. Come on, Boo. You know Lukas is crazy about you, that guy is so gone. He's not gonna break up with you."

Philip sighs. He's wondered sometimes how Lukas was with Rose. He wishes he could ask her right now, if he's ever done anything like this with her, if she has any advice. But as soon as he thinks so he scolds himself, and remembers he is always so grateful that Rose never does try to give him advice based on when she was with Lukas, because Philip would get out of his mind with jealousy, as irrational as that may be.

"Yeah, you're right," he concedes in the end. Once he's hung up with Rose, he locks his phone, and leaves it in his room. He needs to stop checking it every five minutes.

 

 

He's helping tidy up the barn, later that afternoon, when Lukas appears.  
Philip has his headphones on, so he doesn't hear his bike at all; he only sees Lukas's silhouette against the entrance, and so he pauses the music coming from his phone.

"Hey," Lukas says quietly.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Philip frowns. He doesn't know if he should feel relieved or not; Lukas's jaw is set, and he looks unsure.

"You didn't text me back. So I came here."

Oh. His phone.

"Uh, yeah. I'm - working, so I left my phone in my room."

Philip deflates a little. He feels exhausted. He doesn't move - so Lukas walks closer.

"Are you mad at me?"

Philip bites his lip, and takes a breath. Is he mad at Lukas? He was so worried about their fight he didn't even think properly about how he felt.

"No," is what he decides to go for. He's tired.  
Lukas takes another step towards him, almost shy.

"Well. I'm glad you dropped the pitchfork at least," he says, pointing to the tool resting on the hay - and Philip can't help but smile.  
Lukas gets close enough that they almost touch.

"I'm sorry I left you that way yesterday." His voice is like a murmur.

Philip looks down, swallows, then looks back up at Lukas's face. His eyes are blue and round, and inquisitive and unsure, still.  
Philip wants to say so many things, but it's like there's a spell between them that he doesn't want to break.

Lukas kisses him.

He comes closer and his hand cradles Philip's cheek, his jaw, gently nudging his face up so Lukas can reach his lips. It's what he always does and Philip lets him, the spell between them always so powerful. He feels like he should apologise too, and also get mad at Lukas, because he left and because he sent those messages and because he made him worry and think he didn't have a boyfriend anymore.  
He wants to do all these things, and yet he does none of them. He just kisses Lukas back, and the kiss deepens really quickly, until Lukas's hands aren't on his face and hair anymore but are stroking down his back, along his chest and down to his backside, and Philip's hands are fisted on Lukas's shirt. They're moaning gently against each other's mouth, and it's crazy because it feels like they haven't seen each other in a month.

"Hey," Philip has to stop them. He talks against Lukas's lips, while Lukas breathes heavily, eyes on Philip's full, kiss-swollen mouth. "Hey. We can't do it here."  
Lukas groans quietly, but then nods.

"I gotta go back," he says. Philip nods too, once and then pecks him on the lips.

"Yeah, okay."

Lukas gives him a look and then wraps him into his arms, hides his face into Philip's neck. It feels weird still, like there's something that wants to be said, but Philip just wants them to be okay. He decides to think about it once Lukas is gone, perhaps he'll be able to put things in order in his head and realise everything's fine.

Lukas lets him go and gives him a small smile; then leaves. Philip sighs, and goes back to his work in the barn.

 

 

 

_All I could think about was us when I was in the barn_

_I really don't think I helped Gabe at all with what I did._

  
Philip sends the texts, sat on his bed, biting his lip. He lies down and covers his eyes with his arm, and sighs. He wonders if Lukas is still working, how long will it take him to see his messages.

His phone lights up just a couple of minutes later.

  
_I love that barn_

  
Philip bites harder on his lip. He wants to send something, he knows it's ridiculous and he'll sound stupid. Oh well.

 

_Just the barn?_

 

_  
I love you_

 

  
Lukas's answer comes so quickly and so easy that Philip feels stupid for real. His heartbeat speeds up a little; almost a year with Lukas, but he still gets flutters like at the beginning.  
Before he can even reply, Lukas has texted again.

 

_You don't?_

 

Dork.

 

_I do_

 

_Then say it back_

 

_You didn't even give me the time! :)_

 

_Say it back baby I'm getting scared ;)_

 

_No you aren't_

 

_Come on Philip  
I'll come over  & kick the door down_

  
Philip wants to make a joke about how Helen wouldn't like her door being kicked in, but stops himself. Lukas is still upset about her; Philip doesn't want to remind him. Lukas is in a good mood.

 

_So dramatic!!_

 

_Say itttt_

 

_I love you. There._

 

_Mm. I guess that's ok for now. ;)_

 

  
Philip rolls his eyes, but he's so relieved. He knows there's things they need to talk about - things that are bothering Lukas, and himself too. He wants Lukas to be okay with Helen, and he wants Helen to be okay with him, too.  
He has no idea how to sort out that situation, though - and so he decides to leave it for now.

  
"Any plans for tonight?" Helen asks later at dinner.

Philip picks at his food. Helen's question makes him realise he and Lukas haven't really talked about meeting up that night, like they do most Saturdays. He feels like he's going crazy.

"Uh," he stalls. "Not really. Maybe I'll text Lukas and see if he wants to hang out."

He sees Helen giving Gabe a look.

"What?"

Helen takes a sip from her glass of water, and then clears her throat.

"Just make sure you guys are careful, okay? You would tell me if you saw or heard anything strange, wouldn't you?"

Philip blinks, and feels himself tense. Why is Helen bringing up /that/ again? He wasn't expecting it.  
All of a sudden he feels so protective of Lukas - maybe it's true that Helen doesn't trust him. Maybe Helen doesn't trust either of them after all.

"Of course I would tell you," he says, a little harsher than he means. "We both would, I thought - I thought you knew this."

"We do know it, son," Gabe's calm voice steps in. Philip looks at him, frowning. "Helen is just reminding you, it makes us feel better."

"Is that why you won't let me go away with Lukas? Because you don't trust us. You don't trust him."

"Philip, I never said that." Helen's voice is firm. Her eyes look straight at him but they aren't unkind - and Philip's chest hurts with conflicting emotions.  
He sends a text to Lukas.

 

_Come pick me up  
Please_

  
He stares at the screen, knowing he needs to calm down. He's overreacting.

 

_Ok Be there in 10_

 

"Hey," Helen calls. He thinks about refusing to listen, but he knows that would be bratty, unnecessarily so. He's not a little kid.  
He looks up. Helen's eyes are still firm, but he knows they're trying to read him.

"I'm sorry if I made you worried. As long as you're keeping me posted on things, we're - it's all fine. And I do trust you and Lukas."

Philip swallows the lump in his throat, and he knows that Helen is being reasonable. He just can't be, not at that moment, not after a whole day of stressing out about his boyfriend maybe breaking up with him. Not after memories coming back to him, and anxiety making itself known in a way that he can't really control, that makes him agitated. He gets up from the table.

"Lukas is picking me up. I need to go and get my stuff."

He just wants to get out of there, see Lukas, talk to him. That's what he needs.

Gabe and Helen don't say anything as he leaves, running up the stairs and hoping to hear the welcome roar from the dirt bike as soon as possible.

 

 

Lukas kisses his mouth. Once, twice. He kisses along his jawline until he gets to Philip's ear.

"You're not really with me, are you."

Philip frowns, and his hands squeeze tighter around the fabric of Lukas's shirt. They're in Lukas's car, parked by the side of a narrow road that leads to the lake - one of their favourite places. Philip didn't really feel like going anywhere, so they've just been sitting there, listening to music.

"Sorry."

"Stop thinking about Helen and Gabe," Lukas murmurs, and kisses his cheek.

"It's just, I'm gonna be grounded for like a week," Philip laments. He looks outside the car window; the night is so dark and quiet.  
He wonders what Helen meant with her question earlier, about everything being okay.

"Then don't go back," Lukas whispers against his cheekbone, smiling a little. "Tell them you're staying with me. Since you're already grounded."

Philip giggles. "Oh yeah," he snorts, pulling a lock of Lukas's hair playfully. "That's a great solution, thank you."

Lukas doesn't say anything. He starts a kiss, which soon turns passionate and deep and has Philip breathing heavily. Lukas's mouth is intoxicating. It makes him forget everything, slowly, slow like the movements of Lukas's tongue, languid against his. Philip wants to straddle him in the driver's seat, who cares about the steering wheel - and he moans demandingly against Lukas's mouth.  
Lukas's hands wander over Philip's chest, around and down, just the tips of his fingers under Philip's shirt for now.

And then Philip's phone rings.  
From the corner of his eye, he sees that it's Gabe.

"I need to- I have to answer." Philip says on Lukas's mouth.  
Lukas sighs softly, as Philip accepts the call.

"Hey Gabe, I'm just with Lukas-" Philip starts, feeling a bit bad - Gabe is always so nice to him.

"You okay?" Gabe's voice is calm; maybe everything's fine.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I just -"

"Can you be home as soon as possible, please?"

Or maybe not.

Gabe's voice is calm, yes, but also firm. Philip never had a father, but he knows that this is what a father would sound when there's no room for argument.  
He sags a little bit on the seat, and closes his eyes.

"Yeah, sure."

He hangs up, and looks up at Lukas, who purses his lips, and sighs again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 coming soon! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!! I'm really grateful. Please leave a comment and let me know your thought! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please keep asking for Eyewitness Season 2 on twitter!!


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